A load of balls, if you ask me….

Dear Stanley,

What are your thoughts about the ball games that people play? Our Old Man plays lots of tennis, but we, despite our best efforts, we can’t get our heads around it.

Maggie May and Rusty,
Border Terriers
Dunblane, Scotland

Dear Both,

I’m 100% with you here. What is the fascination of ball sports for people? They never know how to play them properly!

Colin was watching that tennis on the TV once. A big guy whacked a tennis ball over a fence at another guy twenty yards away and then, instead of grabbing it and running off somewhere and sensibly chewing the life out of it like any self- respecting dog would, the other fella just grunted “No thanks, you have it” and went and hit it hit it back to the big guy, who then repeated the madness by whacking it back again! They were utterly bonkers, the pair of them, and after a couple of minutes such was my frustration at their silly antics that I just couldn’t watch any more.

And football, the so-called ‘beautiful game’ is just as bad.  Colin watches loads of it on TV, and I occasionally join him, but one thing I did suss out early on is that it’s definitely not a sport for us dogs.  For a start, it all begins when a man blows a whistle and, instead of running up to him as we would all do, all the players run away from him in various directions.  What’s all that about, then?  And, get this – when one of the players gets hold of the ball, instead of keeping it for as long possible like you and I would sensibly do, he quickly gets rid of it to somebody else – how crazy is that?  No, I’m convinced that there’s no place in a dog’s world for football.

Mind you, a few months back I discovered Colin watching another game called rugby, and even I have to admit that I’d say that it’s s a far more sensible sport.  In it, the players get hold of the ball and quite rightly won’t let go of it, even when the other side jump up and down on them. And then everyone chases each other around the field and they all roll about on the grass, tugging at one another other and even, on occasions, actually biting each other. And, perhaps most sensibly, all the players spend lots and lots of time with their noses stuck up each other’s backsides – what fun! Yep, that’s the game for us dogs, folks.

Yours Aye

PS…. What’s that Haggis stuff like? Can you send them through the post?

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