Lust in translation….
Dear Stanley,I‘ve had my eye on a beautiful Patterdale called Daisy in the park, but I think she’s infatuated with a Golden Retriever there who is so wonderful that all the female dogs, and plenty of my male pals, are in awe of him. The other day my folks got me all smart and brushed, with even a touch of the old man’s aftershave behind my ears, and off we went to the park. And guess what happened? Sadly, Daisy wasn’t there, but the Golden Retriever was, and he was sniffing around me big style! I’m sure he fancies me – all very confusing, it is. Any advice?
Dear Buddy,Now when Colin spotted me reading your question he muttered quietly, thinking that I couldn’t hear him, “I’m not sure you’re actually ‘equipped’ to answer that enquiry, Stanley, in any sense of the word.” But I’m sure he’s wrong. I know that I don’t get the rushes of lust that I did when I was a pup, but hey, I know what love is.
Coincidentally, I lost my lustful urges when I woke up after a long sleep after an operation at the vets when I was about six months old – I can only assume it was a side effect of the anaesthetic. Prior to that, whenever I got into the ‘brace position’ with other dogs in the park Colin would rush over shouting at me to “Stop that, Stanley, it’s not polite.” ‘Polite’ it may not have been, but it was just a bit of harmless fun as far as I was concerned, and my friends Billy and Berkley agreed.
The pair of them confused me, though, when, as the months went by, they kept sniggering and said I’d soon be making a visit to the vets because of what they termed ‘male matters’. I naturally assumed that they meant it had something to do with chasing postmen, though I never saw nor smelt a postie anywhere. But hey ho, I am what I am, and love and affection between us dogs is something I do understand.
As for Daisy, Colin says that ‘faint heart never won fair lady’, but I’ve no idea what he’s talking about. I suggest that you be bold, but be yourself, Buddy, and I’m sure she’ll come around. You know the drill – chase after her and roll about on the grass with her, then give her a few friendly nips whilst uttering an amusing growl, you know the kind of thing. But do try not to overdo the sniffing of her tail-hinge- the girls don’t always appreciate it you know and, if you can, you should keep the dry-humping to a bare minimum; it’s not always deemed appropriate and, additionally, it does tend to upset humans who may be looking-on.
And another thing, I really don’t think it’s a good idea for you to wear aftershave. As you know, a quick sniff of another dog’s backside can provide us with all kinds of essential information, from what they had for breakfast to what kind of mood they’re in, and whilst ‘the great smell of Lynx’ may drive young human ladies wild, it only confuses we canines, as indeed, it appears to have done with your Golden Retriever chum. I suspect his affection for you was more to do with the fascination of the strange odours that emanated from around your chops rather than any basic lustful attraction. But hey, it’s a free country and we’re all adults now, so who knows – or cares?
Colin certainly reckons that we dogs can have deep affection for each other whatever our gender, as well as for lots of other creatures come to that, even cats and rabbits and things – but we do draw the line at squirrels, apparently. And whilst on the subject of forbidden love, we must never, repeat never, hump the legs of arm-chairs, especially in other people’s houses – and I surely don’t have to remind you that humping actual people’s legs is a serious disciplinary offence in anyone’s book.
Anyway, I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes,
Yours as ever,